Damage

I am wounded in this battle.

I feel the familiar sharp edge of a pain
that hasn't reached its full potential.

I dress it carefully, remain cautious.

I navigate playlists and poetry like a minefield.

Keep my eyes down.

Ignore the message.

Bolt the door so that it can’t get to me.

Knowing that at any moment
My safeguards may fail
and my defenses will be shattered.

That the flood of memories
could rush through me like my blood

Taking over the rational parts of me

Holding me hostage inside of my skin
and breaking what is left of me.

Stay

The words reverberated in my mouth
Your eyes holding back too much to say
You feel too much to stay in this place
Yet not enough to go.

The nights when I thought I'd lost you were the longest
Waiting for the message to come through
A photograph or a quip
Those nights were safe
But the silent ones
Where the respite never comes
Those are the ones that break me, love.

A world without you seems a waste to me.
Never hearing that laugh
I would hold on to you so tightly
If I thought it could keep you anchored.
I would walk across the country to you
If I thought it could lighten your load
That burden on your shoulders should not be yours alone
I understand why you would want to give up
Why you would want to leave

But the small moments are the ones that dull the edges
Of our harsh reality
Reach out for those in the dark when you cannot find me
That is where I always am
In the back of your mind
Begging you to stay because the world is so much more beautiful with you.
The bullshit falls away
And the sole purpose of our connection
Could act as a tether to this life that we have together.

Your eyes have seen horrors
And yet
They can still find beauty
If you'd just look closer.