Holiday Musings

This year has been a turbulent one
Full of ups and downs
and I only hope
That the next will provide some stillness

This year has been an odd one
Full of endings and loss
and I only hope
That the next is full of new beginnings

This year has been a test of my strength
Full of courage and cowardice
and I only hope
That the next provides some respite

The next adventure is just around the corner
The next page is about to be turned
and while I may meet with some resistance
There are lessons bound to be learned

Fragile State

There are times that I feel so alone
Like my chest is going to collapse
Under the weight of everything I have
The memories that I alone carry with me
The life that I have chosen to lead
The home that I have chosen to leave
But then I think about you
and it all makes sense to me.
All that has brought me here
Has prepared me, for this
and all I can do is hold on tight
and hope like hell
that this will not break me
(I will not become as broken as they think I am)

Realization

These feelings
Did not come softly
I was not prepared
But something about that look in your eye
Shattered my defenses
Left me in shambles
Rationalizing
New is always better, right?
I left it to time
Colors shifted
Faded to normal
Back to my commitment to my man
Then a change in perception
A hand at the right time
A light like looking into a mirror
I saw you
For everything you are
And there was a longing
It was so great that it burned a hole in me
Even from this faraway place
I had never felt this type of connection
You’ve seen me truly and have not run in the other direction
Even though you have no tangible reason to stay
And this tangled web that has been woven
Makes it all the more noticeable
That you are exactly
What I always wanted
So when you look at me
Know that my glance
is not merely for folly
but because
I love you
and not in a friendly way.
(although I think we’re great friends)
And someday, I hope
This will all be simpler
All the guilt and the noise and the hurt will be gone
Maybe there will be a quiet room
and you’ll look at me
and all of this won’t be in vain.

Difference

I am a strange person
Drawn by words and wisdom
I live from my heart, I know no other way
and you live in your head.
Consumed by consequence
And seemingly lost in the gray
this middle ground is shaky
without measure
and I find myself uncomfortable and unclear
What are we now?
Where do we go?
Do I change, adapt?
Remain the same and hope you'll see?
Sometimes the difference is by design
So that we seek what we couldn't find...

Happenstance

I don't even have the words to say
You and I have been through so much
and yet- this is a lesson I cannot teach you
This is something you will learn, in time.
its gonna hurt like hell
and you will bleed uncontrollably
and you will call out for my help, for a hand to staunch the flow
and I will be there
Because that is the way of things
Because everyone will be gone
But if you asked me to, if you needed me to, I would be there
Even now
While my wounds are just barely closed
and my hands are just barely strong enough to hold myself together
I would be there
Because you would do the same, if I asked you to
Sometimes the end is just the beginning of the next chapter...

Tower

You've built these walls so high and so strong
You think they are impermeable.
I have been chipping away, diligently
in the hopes that it will be enough for you
to see that you don't need them anymore
you've been shielding yourself from pain
hiding away from feeling anything
anything close to regret
and anyone that you've met
has never come close
to being let in
But I got a glimpse
saw through the cracks
it did not faze me
All I want is to have that back
Give me a chance to be what you need
Because you deserve to be loved
You deserve to be seen.

Sight lines

What was once thought of as liberating
is now merely terrifying
Finding myself alone in the woods
Flying blind without a safety net
No one to care when things go wrong
No one to celebrate with when things are all right
I feel this solitude in my bones
I feel like I'm fading away
No one to be held accountable
No accountability to anyone else
I fear it's been too long
I am not who I was, and not who I was meant to be
I am something else
Clinging, desperate, needing more than anyone can handle
More than I can handle
and every night I fall apart
and every morning I curse the sky for opening my eyes.

Words of Wisdom from my still-beating heart...

Sometimes things don't work out like we think they will and all we can do is ride out the storm. One thing I have learned is to never count anyone out, regardless of the words they may say. Words can betray, eyes don't lie. I am more in touch with who I am and what I want to be in this world- but I know now that is ever changing. Learn to be more flexible with your ideas of what things should be, things will only ever be what they are. Be more accepting. This life will hand you incredible things if you accept them, no matter how foreign they might be to you. Never stop creating. Use your hands and your words or your paintbrush or clay, glass, or your love- but you must never stop. That is who you are at your core- you are a creator. You feel so deeply that your bones ache, you love with everything you've got, and sometimes you are a mess, but you are strong and you are adaptable and you will persevere.
You aren't the princess in this fairy tale anymore, sweetheart- you are the hero.
So when the nights are long, don't forget that you are bright enough to become the sun and radiate that beauty across the entire universe.

(This entry will be regularly updated as needed...)

What I wish I'd said

It may not have made much of a difference
But I'd like to think that if the conversations were more polished
In hindsight
They wouldn't hurt as much.

The search

Searching for myself in other people's words
Hidden between punctuation and prose
My hands can't possibly articulate the way that my soul operates
The way that those letters and inflection hit me
Bust my heart open
and make me understand the parts of myself
where light dares not descend
I look for that perfect mirror
To rationalize the irrational
The fears and dreams that have been forgotten
Brushed aside to make way for the expected
But never expecting the truth that is hidden
Between the black and the white.

Journey

Silently Accepting
This is the way it needs to be
The car must slow down or it will crash
No need to come to a halt, however
Just a reasonable speed
If you aren't on board with me,
I'll just go my own way.
But I'll plant my flag on every street
Should you wish to find your way
To where I am
Gone so far, yet still right here.

The Unknown

My hands are too small,
My heart is too big
and in between them
is a mind that refuses to quiet
With open eyes and closed mouth
I stand at the doorway of a place I do not know
There is no hand holding mine this time
No shoulder for my tears
This time, it is only up to me and chance
No going back, no matter how much I want to
Press down, one foot and then the other
See the world as a new place, strange and familiar
But never the same again.

Hands

Free falling into destiny
I finally recognize these hands as my own
Recognize the fact that I can do anything
But I won’t.
I’m a lazy lost soul with a voice that makes no sound
My eyes cast no shadow as they trace the outlines of you
These hands
Gripping for an outcome that cannot be
Longing for something else entirely
Waiting for the chance to prove that this will all be alright
If I could just listen
to my silent voice
telling me to create something good for myself
Only myself this time
Without a safety net
With no one by my side
It’s a scary world out there...

Full Moon

There was a moment
Where I thought that we could make this work
A moment where we were perfect
Interlocking
Entwined
And then gone
Waning and waxing
but at that moment
When we were full
It was as if the universe smiled on us.

Zodiac

A virgin in the land of lions
I am led to the slaughter
Consumed by the thought
I am losing myself
Flesh ripped from bone
I am exposed
and my beating heart aches for more

I.

In an air conditioned room,
the small corner of the world that is ours alone
I will bear my heart to you
expose it to the world
detach it from its vessel
and watch it shatter in front of us.
Shards flying like tiny butterflies
making their way into the universe...

Ritual

The dogs have taken over the bed again
and I am used to avoiding sleep
These nights when I feel I am on the pinnacle of something great
My hands touch keys with fierce fervor
Attention sucking time from air
Until I am one with my thoughts
Articulating like limbs
Stretching out through the night
To touch the parts of you
That my hands cannot.

Limbo

I avoid the topic
Afraid that this delicate balance of reality and delusion
will crumble at my feet
So I wait
Revise my lines
Hope that the right prompt comes from your lips
So that I can say all the things I want to say to you
While I minimize the chance of casualties
You are so much stronger than me
Losing this may not mean all to you that it does me
But I see that longing there
Its in your eyes, your hands- they betray your words
Wanting me to stay
Do you want me to say it?
Do you want me to tell you that I love you?
Using my desperate vulnerability
My sweetly deceptive tone
While I build up my armor
For your piercing reply- jabbing straight to the heart
The inevitability of no, and the fierce wanting of yes.

I am...

I am a universe wrapped up in a tiny body.

My hands are small, but my heart is huge.

I have a small voice when it matters and a big voice when it does not.

I am excitable about almost everything when presented in a certain way.
I often cannot contain myself and find myself expelling my truth to anyone willing to listen.

I am preparing for the worst, but hoping against hope for the best. Always.

I believe in trusting intuition. My gut doesn't lie.

I love deeply, honestly and without barriers.
I believe in honesty above all things, and living your truth even when it is the most terrifying thing you can do.

We grow through change, staying complacent is the same as becoming stagnant- we must evolve to thrive.

My eyes are constantly open to the possibilities of change, and the changing possibility of sameness.

I am inspired by broken things.

I will only try and help if I think I can make a difference, rather than making a mess.

I am often a mess myself.

I am lazy but will swim oceans to get you to my point of view

I like the quiet but hate being alone for too long with my thoughts

I am afraid of the uncertainty in the dark

Creating is a way to channel the quiet into my mind

Moving is a way to channel the quiet into my body

Connecting is the only way I know to quiet my spirit

I am often restless and unable to articulate why

To me, hands are more expressive and telling than a face. faces can deceive, hands can only tell your truth.

I find myself in other peoples words and lose myself in my own.

Animals can make me cry harder than most people.

I am constantly learning that views and perceptions are ever-changing.

I am challenging myself to never say that I would never do something, because that has been proven 
wrong, over and over and over again.

I believe in reincarnation, soul mates, chakras, karma, and platitudes. I refuse to apologize for these, but would love to be challenged by your views on the subject.

I believe in the infinite wisdom of the universe, and that staring at the night sky will provide you with all the answers you seek if you are open to them.

I am breaking and becoming and breaking again.

I am a person with faults and flaws but also a tentative beauty. Perfect as I can be.