Holiday Musings

This year has been a turbulent one
Full of ups and downs
and I only hope
That the next will provide some stillness

This year has been an odd one
Full of endings and loss
and I only hope
That the next is full of new beginnings

This year has been a test of my strength
Full of courage and cowardice
and I only hope
That the next provides some respite

The next adventure is just around the corner
The next page is about to be turned
and while I may meet with some resistance
There are lessons bound to be learned

Fragile State

There are times that I feel so alone
Like my chest is going to collapse
Under the weight of everything I have
The memories that I alone carry with me
The life that I have chosen to lead
The home that I have chosen to leave
But then I think about you
and it all makes sense to me.
All that has brought me here
Has prepared me, for this
and all I can do is hold on tight
and hope like hell
that this will not break me
(I will not become as broken as they think I am)

Realization

These feelings
Did not come softly
I was not prepared
But something about that look in your eye
Shattered my defenses
Left me in shambles
Rationalizing
New is always better, right?
I left it to time
Colors shifted
Faded to normal
Back to my commitment to my man
Then a change in perception
A hand at the right time
A light like looking into a mirror
I saw you
For everything you are
And there was a longing
It was so great that it burned a hole in me
Even from this faraway place
I had never felt this type of connection
You’ve seen me truly and have not run in the other direction
Even though you have no tangible reason to stay
And this tangled web that has been woven
Makes it all the more noticeable
That you are exactly
What I always wanted
So when you look at me
Know that my glance
is not merely for folly
but because
I love you
and not in a friendly way.
(although I think we’re great friends)
And someday, I hope
This will all be simpler
All the guilt and the noise and the hurt will be gone
Maybe there will be a quiet room
and you’ll look at me
and all of this won’t be in vain.

Difference

I am a strange person
Drawn by words and wisdom
I live from my heart, I know no other way
and you live in your head.
Consumed by consequence
And seemingly lost in the gray
this middle ground is shaky
without measure
and I find myself uncomfortable and unclear
What are we now?
Where do we go?
Do I change, adapt?
Remain the same and hope you'll see?
Sometimes the difference is by design
So that we seek what we couldn't find...