Saturday, September 23, 2017

Mabon

The veil is thinning
The earth is sleeping
We feel the chill within our veins

The days are short
We work our magic best in the dark
So, come a little closer to the flame

When words aren't enough
We use symbols
When symbols aren't enough
We use sound
When sound fails us
We use feeling
We feel the wheel spinning 'round.

This dance is neverending
We all have a part to play
Let's create some beauty
Before the reaper has it's way.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Damage

I am wounded in this battle.

I feel the familiar sharp edge of a pain
that hasn't reached its full potential.

I dress it carefully, remain cautious.

I navigate playlists and poetry like a minefield.

Keep my eyes down.

Ignore the message.

Bolt the door so that it can’t get to me.

Knowing that at any moment
My safeguards may fail
and my defenses will be shattered.

That the flood of memories
could rush through me like my blood

Taking over the rational parts of me

Holding me hostage inside of my skin
and breaking what is left of me.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Stay


The words reverberated in my mouth
Your eyes holding back too much to say
You feel too much to stay in this place
Yet not enough to go.

The nights when I thought I'd lost you were the longest
Waiting for the message to come through
A photograph or a quip
Those nights were safe
But the silent ones
Where the respite never comes
Those are the ones that break me, love.

A world without you seems a waste to me.
Never hearing that laugh
I would hold on to you so tightly
If I thought it could keep you anchored.
I would walk across the country to you
If I thought it could lighten your load
That burden on your shoulders should not be yours alone
I understand why you would want to give up
Why you would want to leave

But the small moments are the ones that dull the edges
Of our harsh reality
Reach out for those in the dark when you cannot find me
That is where I always am
In the back of your mind
Begging you to stay because the world is so much more beautiful with you.
The bullshit falls away
And the sole purpose of our connection
Could act as a tether to this life that we have together.

Your eyes have seen horrors
And yet
They can still find beauty
If you'd just look closer.

Monday, July 17, 2017

Crystalline Tide

My Tempest heart breaks in slow motion,
The waves of emotion crash as if the moon was at my doorstep
The tides rush to greet her, the ebbs and flows weakening the walls
Bit by bit, hairpin cracks expose its crystalline structure.
What seems so strong can sometimes become brittle
It can shatter to dust, without hope of repair
I know I should become more resilient, more pliable
I’ve been let down more times than I’ve been built up
My shadow holds more truths than my eyes can face
If this is the way things have to be
Then I need to learn how to reshape what is left of me.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Stupid.

Left or right
They have nice eyes
This one has an infectious smile
Swipe, swipe
This one likes to travel
Plays music
Likes what I do
Swipe- this should be easy
Left- too tall
Left- too young
Left- too outdoorsy
I find faults, in looking here
I find myself searching for you
Knowing that if I was there
I wouldn’t need to look


Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Compass

I had a dream that I was out to sea
Tossed by the waves, the salty air was heavy in my lungs
No matter what I did, what buttons I pushed, the engine wouldn’t turn
I was just drifting. Letting the waves take me.
I became listless and bedraggled- My vessel was no longer under my control.
I wanted so badly to get to shore with the earth beneath my feet.
Back to the land of the living.
I had lost all hope and I lay, limbs heavy and weakened, fixated on the sky.
The stars seemed to dance just for me and the longer I stayed,
The more I forgot what home really meant.

A light in the distance shone my way after many endless nights
To rescue me from this stalled-out, drawn-on, helpless situation
A familiar figure after all this time truly felt like fiction.
Propeller breaking waves while the waters churned beneath
Then stopping just to my right, the east, where the first glimmer of light comes at the dawn.
You took my hand and your eyes lit up
Like a child looking at their birthday present.
You pulled me aboard, held me close, and said that we were going home.
I watched as we pulled away, the cursed craft getting smaller and smaller
Then was out of sight.

You and I aboard, the crashing waves, the dancing stars
Our hands intertwining
“How did you find me?” I asked
“I followed the stars” You replied
"They have always led me to you."



Thursday, June 15, 2017

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I’m ready to not feel this way anymore. This hanging on is breaking me- my fingers and my heart.
I want to be whole again, want to want to love. It all seems so pale since he’s been gone. I’ve walked miles and told stories, I’ve bled my truth through my fingertips and denied all the signs.
This love, if this is really even love- is so one sided.

I’m so tired of being the one who cares- when I need a shoulder there is nobody there.
My heart must be made of paper- it slips right through the cracks in the facade.
I have told him a thousand times, in a thousand different ways that I would do anything.
That with my last breath on my last day I will still care for him.
But to him, that’s not enough. I’m over feeling like I’m not enough.

My countenance is measured in moon cycles these days
Trying to sync with something that has more of a hold on me than he does.
I may appear stern but inside I’m stunned.

My life has been a study in waiting.
Waiting rooms, waiting for rides, waiting for the dawn, waiting on love.
I can predict time down to the second- but I can’t predict his next move.

He is troubled. His eyes are like the sea before a storm.
Calm on the outside with tidal waves in his mind.
He isolates for fear of feeling while he’s in the presence of others
He’s been alone so long he’s forgotten how to speak.

My hands connect to so many things, so many worlds, and people.
His hands are immobile unless there is something safe to touch
Like that night he wrapped them around my waist
and told me he would be there for me.
That he loved me.

It’s taken me this long to figure out that love isn’t permanent
That circumstance can change minds
Right now, I’m so tired of being broken- of wasting more time
That I implore you
Speed along this process of companionship or ruin
I can’t hold out much longer in the in between
This part of him is killing me.

Mirror Images

I guess he reminded me of the good parts of them that I wanted so desperately to save.
In that dusty attic of memory, he pulled out small trinkets
Creating an avalanche of recollection
Of those times that were buried beneath the auto pilot day-to-day.

Words fell out of his mouth and into my heart like it was deja vu
Like maybe they weren’t gone, just hiding
In the quiet spaces of this person who I attached so much to.
Who I was so attached to already.

He made me feel like I was the only person alive in the world that mattered
That our love meant more than all other things.
When he left, he made me feel like I would never be whole again
That what we had was a blessing and I had wasted it.

In the in between
He made me think that by saving him
That somehow I was saving the parts of them that were truly worthy
In him, I felt like I wasn’t alone in the world without them.

I am an alien now
Floating through space without fuel
My copilots have deserted me through the escape hatch
Yet here I sit, waiting to be rescued by figments of my imagination

The similarities are boundless.


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Behind the Curtain...

Several times throughout the day
I look to my left, wide-eyed.
As if to say "are you fucking kidding me?"
to you- when things get too ridiculous.
You might have a good perspective on whatever is happening
Might appreciate the irony
The gallows humor of it all.
I've done this my whole life
Since before I met you
But I never had a face to the spirit
Never named that ghost
When you came into my life
It was like the wizard of oz
All fantasies and technicolor.
Your face was all I could see
From that moment on
I didn't feel as alone.
Just like the wizard of oz
It was all a falsehood.
Now when I see your face
It makes me feel like a fool
As if I've been duped by the universe
I talk to the ghosts now
But they do not respond
That face is fading now
My memories becoming jokes.
I suppose
I have always been alone.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Fallacy

I was always told that when I really fell in love
that all the pieces would fall into place
and despite everything else, we'd be we
I guess sometimes you fall further than the other
and they recover
while you nurse an injury
that may never heal

How many more of these stories
will we tell
lying to ourselves
lying to those kids who grow up
believing in this fairy tale
We're merely perpetuating disappointment

We should be saying that when you really find yourself
When you are a whole person
The pieces will fall into place
And falling in love might be simple
and if you're hurt, you're strong enough
to lick your wounds
and shake it off