Aqueous

I see myself as a body of water.

Some days, it feels like  

The steady flow of possibility 

is coursing through my frame.

Like I am a conduit for creation.

Easy, steady, I make what I see. 

Some days, the water is too calm

It stagnates

Needs to be shaken up. 

If I walk in circles in my mind, 

Perhaps I can make a whirlpool 

to unstick the notion that I am worthy. 

Some days, it is like a tempest inside

And I can do is stay along for the ride

Heart racing, heavy breath 

Emotions tumultuous, they toss and turn

So quickly, I can barely make sense of them.

There is a sudden calm.

The storm has passed.

The words to articulate 

what has just transpired 

come slowly during recovery 

when they are ready.

Like bubbles reaching for the surface

A reminder that there is still life below

I collect them, put them in a neat package

And share, baring my soul for all to see

I catch my breath and dive back in. 

Once again, I am back to being 

at the mercy of the muse

Creating with my hands 

something that is both mine

And not of this world. 

I am on her time, I must be ready.

There are worse ways to be. 

Ode to my Insomnia

Bathed in the orange glow of street lights streaming through the slats on the window

I sit

My insomnia greets me like an old friend
Sits beside me as though my illness is winning and she’s paying her respects

Night after night

I wish she would hold me and cradle me to sleep
To bring some reassurance and comfort
to the racing thoughts and defiant delusions
littering the battlefield that is my body

Instead, she burrows deep inside of me
Finds the spaces between where I am fine and
Where I feel too much and not enough
Where I am strangled by my own complacency
Where I am a lost cause and unloved
And she lingers there
Her fingers shaking loose the parts of me that I would soon forget.

She remembers.

Says that I am the keeper of my own stories
That forgetting is akin to denial
That being honest with myself is all part of owning my own heart

And I listen to her.

We are wide awake ruminating on the mistakes made long ago that are likely forgotten by everyone else.
Reliving horrors that should remain unspoken
Thinking of those that are gone and those that will eventually leave me.

We play the what if game and mourn for the life I had hoped to lead
Before pain was the currency for any worthwhile endeavor.

I sit.

I say I will be better tomorrow
Write the day off as though it is an anomaly
As if the morning light beaming through that window
Will exorcise the demons that lay deep

It never does

Me and my demons don’t play well with others
Isolation is the safest bet
If only things were different
If only I could trust more
If only my hands were useful for more than just dancing across a screen

I had dreams
Goals to aspire to
I had hopes for myself along with others
But instead of moving toward something more

I sit

The macabre and the maudlin becoming mundane
as they dance through my mind
Invoking dark humor and darker honesty
Everything will eventually end

I sit

Bathed in the glow of that artificial light
And I feel as though that light
Might be all that’s left of my own.

May morning come soon to change my mind.

Innately

Buried deep inside my neuroses
Excavated within my idiosyncrasies
Is the essence of a pain without a name.

An emotional parasite in its ancestral home
Putting every move I’ve made into doubt
Draining esteem at the source

I have learned to be careful
I can’t hope for fear of disappointment
The kind that builds up until it overflows
Mine is at its tipping point

How do I empty the vessel
When the hurt is built right into the walls?
This structure was not meant to be so weathered
The cracks are getting harder to hide

Every night I lay in bed
And the chaos consumes my mind
There is no rest here
No reprieve
This pain does not need to sleep.

Mabon

The veil is thinning
The earth is sleeping
We feel the chill within our veins

The days are short
We work our magic best in the dark
So, come a little closer to the flame

When words aren't enough
We use symbols
When symbols aren't enough
We use sound
When sound fails us
We use feeling
We feel the wheel spinning 'round.

This dance is neverending
We all have a part to play
Let's create some beauty
Before the reaper has it's way.

Damage

I am wounded in this battle.

I feel the familiar sharp edge of a pain
that hasn't reached its full potential.

I dress it carefully, remain cautious.

I navigate playlists and poetry like a minefield.

Keep my eyes down.

Ignore the message.

Bolt the door so that it can’t get to me.

Knowing that at any moment
My safeguards may fail
and my defenses will be shattered.

That the flood of memories
could rush through me like my blood

Taking over the rational parts of me

Holding me hostage inside of my skin
and breaking what is left of me.

Stay

The words reverberated in my mouth
Your eyes holding back too much to say
You feel too much to stay in this place
Yet not enough to go.

The nights when I thought I'd lost you were the longest
Waiting for the message to come through
A photograph or a quip
Those nights were safe
But the silent ones
Where the respite never comes
Those are the ones that break me, love.

A world without you seems a waste to me.
Never hearing that laugh
I would hold on to you so tightly
If I thought it could keep you anchored.
I would walk across the country to you
If I thought it could lighten your load
That burden on your shoulders should not be yours alone
I understand why you would want to give up
Why you would want to leave

But the small moments are the ones that dull the edges
Of our harsh reality
Reach out for those in the dark when you cannot find me
That is where I always am
In the back of your mind
Begging you to stay because the world is so much more beautiful with you.
The bullshit falls away
And the sole purpose of our connection
Could act as a tether to this life that we have together.

Your eyes have seen horrors
And yet
They can still find beauty
If you'd just look closer.

Crystalline Tide

My Tempest heart breaks in slow motion,
The waves of emotion crash as if the moon was at my doorstep
The tides rush to greet her, the ebbs and flows weakening the walls
Bit by bit, hairpin cracks expose its crystalline structure.
What seems so strong can sometimes become brittle
It can shatter to dust, without hope of repair
I know I should become more resilient, more pliable
I’ve been let down more times than I’ve been built up
My shadow holds more truths than my eyes can face
If this is the way things have to be
Then I need to learn how to reshape what is left of me.

Stupid.

Left or right
They have nice eyes
This one has an infectious smile
Swipe, swipe
This one likes to travel
Plays music
Likes what I do
Swipe- this should be easy
Left- too tall
Left- too young
Left- too outdoorsy
I find faults, in looking here
I find myself searching for you
Knowing that if I was there
I wouldn’t need to look

Compass

I had a dream that I was out to sea
Tossed by the waves, the salty air was heavy in my lungs
No matter what I did, what buttons I pushed, the engine wouldn’t turn
I was just drifting. Letting the waves take me.
I became listless and bedraggled- My vessel was no longer under my control.
I wanted so badly to get to shore with the earth beneath my feet.
Back to the land of the living.
I had lost all hope and I lay, limbs heavy and weakened, fixated on the sky.
The stars seemed to dance just for me and the longer I stayed,
The more I forgot what home really meant.

A light in the distance shone my way after many endless nights
To rescue me from this stalled-out, drawn-on, helpless situation
A familiar figure after all this time truly felt like fiction.
Propeller breaking waves while the waters churned beneath
Then stopping just to my right, the east, where the first glimmer of light comes at the dawn.
You took my hand and your eyes lit up
Like a child looking at their birthday present.
You pulled me aboard, held me close, and said that we were going home.
I watched as we pulled away, the cursed craft getting smaller and smaller
Then was out of sight.

You and I aboard, the crashing waves, the dancing stars
Our hands intertwining
“How did you find me?” I asked
“I followed the stars” You replied
"They have always led me to you."

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I’m ready to not feel this way anymore. This hanging on is breaking me- my fingers and my heart.
I want to be whole again, want to want to love. It all seems so pale since he’s been gone. I’ve walked miles and told stories, I’ve bled my truth through my fingertips and denied all the signs.
This love, if this is really even love- is so one sided.

I’m so tired of being the one who cares- when I need a shoulder there is nobody there.
My heart must be made of paper- it slips right through the cracks in the facade.
I have told him a thousand times, in a thousand different ways that I would do anything.
That with my last breath on my last day I will still care for him.
But to him, that’s not enough. I’m over feeling like I’m not enough.

My countenance is measured in moon cycles these days
Trying to sync with something that has more of a hold on me than he does.
I may appear stern but inside I’m stunned.

My life has been a study in waiting.
Waiting rooms, waiting for rides, waiting for the dawn, waiting on love.
I can predict time down to the second- but I can’t predict his next move.

He is troubled. His eyes are like the sea before a storm.
Calm on the outside with tidal waves in his mind.
He isolates for fear of feeling while he’s in the presence of others
He’s been alone so long he’s forgotten how to speak.

My hands connect to so many things, so many worlds, and people.
His hands are immobile unless there is something safe to touch
Like that night he wrapped them around my waist
and told me he would be there for me.
That he loved me.

It’s taken me this long to figure out that love isn’t permanent
That circumstance can change minds
Right now, I’m so tired of being broken- of wasting more time
That I implore you
Speed along this process of companionship or ruin
I can’t hold out much longer in the in between
This part of him is killing me.