Thursday, June 15, 2017

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

I’m ready to not feel this way anymore. This hanging on is breaking me- my fingers and my heart.
I want to be whole again, want to want to love. It all seems so pale since he’s been gone. I’ve walked miles and told stories, I’ve bled my truth through my fingertips and denied all the signs.
This love, if this is really even love- is so one sided.

I’m so tired of being the one who cares- when I need a shoulder there is nobody there.
My heart must be made of paper- it slips right through the cracks in the facade.
I have told him a thousand times, in a thousand different ways that I would do anything.
That with my last breath on my last day I will still care for him.
But to him, that’s not enough. I’m over feeling like I’m not enough.

My countenance is measured in moon cycles these days
Trying to sync with something that has more of a hold on me than he does.
I may appear stern but inside I’m stunned.

My life has been a study in waiting.
Waiting rooms, waiting for rides, waiting for the dawn, waiting on love.
I can predict time down to the second- but I can’t predict his next move.

He is troubled. His eyes are like the sea before a storm.
Calm on the outside with tidal waves in his mind.
He isolates for fear of feeling while he’s in the presence of others
He’s been alone so long he’s forgotten how to speak.

My hands connect to so many things, so many worlds, and people.
His hands are immobile unless there is something safe to touch
Like that night he wrapped them around my waist
and told me he would be there for me.
That he loved me.

It’s taken me this long to figure out that love isn’t permanent
That circumstance can change minds
Right now, I’m so tired of being broken- of wasting more time
That I implore you
Speed along this process of companionship or ruin
I can’t hold out much longer in the in between
This part of him is killing me.

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